Prayer

School starts again tomorrow. Or rather, today since it’s 1 AM as I’m typing this. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this uneasy about returning to school. I’ve never had this long of a break, though, so I guess that should be factored into my nerves.

I’m not nervous as much as I am reluctant. I am reluctant to starting school again because I’m still not sure it’s even what I should be doing right now. It’s more about the fact that I don’t want to waste time waiting while making major future decisions, and school just seems like the easy choice. It’s funny, because I always viewed college as four years that I just needed to get through in order to start my career. But now, it’s just a year and a a half of necessary time to figure out what the heck God wants me to do in this life.

I have never been more confused than now. So I’m stalling. At this point in my life, college has become a stalling tactic, and an expensive one at that. Don’t get me wrong, I still will graduate in the normal allotted four years, but I really wish I knew whether this college degree would actually be useful in my future. Because if it’s not, then I’m just wasting hard-earned money from the multiple jobs that I wouldn’t need to be working right now.

I know that I need this time to prepare, that’s for sure. I’ve been flirting dangerously close to the boundaries of faith I pushed through last year. But this time, there’s a difference. Last year, I purposefully and willingly crossed the line. Now, I continually find my focus to be anywhere except on God. And that keeps me walking near the line. I need to constantly be on my knees in prayer, but I find myself just wasting away my time instead.

It’s a vicious cycle: To attend school, I need money. To earn that money, I get jobs. And thus, my time is filled with school and work. But the thing is, I’m constantly leaving out the most important step in this cycle: PRAYER.

In this prayer cycle, I pray to God to seek guidance in what He wants me to do. If He wants me in school, then I go. And I pray for His guidance along the way. I pray about finances for college, having faith that He will provide. I work as much as God tells me to in my prayers to Him. I have an earthly and prideful mind, thinking that the only way to pay for college is through my own work. But if I’m doing what God truly wants me to do, then He will provide. I have to have faith. And I have to pray.

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