Prayer

School starts again tomorrow. Or rather, today since it’s 1 AM as I’m typing this. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this uneasy about returning to school. I’ve never had this long of a break, though, so I guess that should be factored into my nerves.

I’m not nervous as much as I am reluctant. I am reluctant to starting school again because I’m still not sure it’s even what I should be doing right now. It’s more about the fact that I don’t want to waste time waiting while making major future decisions, and school just seems like the easy choice. It’s funny, because I always viewed college as four years that I just needed to get through in order to start my career. But now, it’s just a year and a a half of necessary time to figure out what the heck God wants me to do in this life.

I have never been more confused than now. So I’m stalling. At this point in my life, college has become a stalling tactic, and an expensive one at that. Don’t get me wrong, I still will graduate in the normal allotted four years, but I really wish I knew whether this college degree would actually be useful in my future. Because if it’s not, then I’m just wasting hard-earned money from the multiple jobs that I wouldn’t need to be working right now.

I know that I need this time to prepare, that’s for sure. I’ve been flirting dangerously close to the boundaries of faith I pushed through last year. But this time, there’s a difference. Last year, I purposefully and willingly crossed the line. Now, I continually find my focus to be anywhere except on God. And that keeps me walking near the line. I need to constantly be on my knees in prayer, but I find myself just wasting away my time instead.

It’s a vicious cycle: To attend school, I need money. To earn that money, I get jobs. And thus, my time is filled with school and work. But the thing is, I’m constantly leaving out the most important step in this cycle: PRAYER.

In this prayer cycle, I pray to God to seek guidance in what He wants me to do. If He wants me in school, then I go. And I pray for His guidance along the way. I pray about finances for college, having faith that He will provide. I work as much as God tells me to in my prayers to Him. I have an earthly and prideful mind, thinking that the only way to pay for college is through my own work. But if I’m doing what God truly wants me to do, then He will provide. I have to have faith. And I have to pray.

His Grace is Sufficient

What are you gonna say to God when all you do is pray to God to take the thorn away? And all you hear Him say is, “My grace is sufficient.”

It has been such a long journey. This past year has been difficult, to say the very least. And I don’t write these words now to present some amazing revelation that I have recently discovered. No, I write these words to express exactly what I’ve known for a major part of my life. It’s just, some of the places I’ve been searching this past year have blinded me to the truth that was placed right in front of me the entire time.

That truth is this: God’s grace is sufficient. As simple as this may sound, I don’t know that I’ll ever fully comprehend the implications of this statement. God’s grace is sufficient!

The struggles, the pain, and the doubt are all overtaken by God’s grace and love! I may not understand the “why?” of it all, but that’s exactly it! I don’t have to understand why! I just have to understand the complete sufficiency of God’s grace. I can rest in what He provides because it is exactly His will and His great plan. His grace is sufficient. I just can’t say it enough.

I’m still journeying on. But I think I’ve finally stumbled back upon the right one. Things may still be difficult, but God’s grace is sufficient. He walked with me even when I didn’t walk with Him. And my faith is only stronger as a result of all of it. All praise and glory be to God! His grace is sufficient! 

Starting Over

It’s time for me to start over. I’m done with the self-pity. I’m done being okay with just being okay. I’m done just existing.

I’m ready to start living. I don’t know where I’m headed right now, but it has to be better than where I’ve been in this last year. Nothing significant has sparked this post, other than the fact that who I am hates who I’ve been. And that line deserves a musical interruption.

So I’m changing. I’m not who I was before all of this mess. But I’m certainly not who I was DURING this past year. Actually, I should say I’m embarking on the journey to become somebody who is unlike the girl from this past season of life. This is day one. But I know I can do this now because I have someone who I didn’t have before. I have God on my side now. Well, He’s always been on my side. I’ve just ignored Him lately. But no more! “I’m ready to be sure I never become that way again.” I’m starting over today.

His Plan

It’s so easy for those of us on the outside to offer encouragement to those in the middle by saying, “It will be alright. God has a plan, and though we may not understand why these things are happening right now, we can trust that He’s got it all under control.”

It’s just so easy to say this when you’re not personally in the midst of tragedy and suffering. Yeah, we can try to put ourselves in their shoes, but we still have our rational mindset. We aren’t deeply reflecting on life and death and struggling to the extent that they are.

We may have been in those shoes at some point. And no matter how much we have convinced ourselves that we will not be shaken by anything, sure enough that one thing comes along that we just cannot handle. We can prepare for the hard times all we want, but that doesn’t mean we act according to plan when our human emotions get in the way.

Therefore, we cannot brush aside the pain of others in the midst of tragedy right now. They are hurting, and they don’t want to hear that God has a plan, no matter how true that may be. They probably aren’t mad at God, but they might be if we relate Him in any way to the causation. No, this destruction was not a part of His plan. But healing and restoration, love and mercy are all a part of it.

Focus on the healing, not the plan. Pray. Not as a meaningless hash tag. But earnestly pray for this healing. And love in any way you can. It’s tough right now, but restoration will occur.

Feelings…….

I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now, so I’m just going to write.

I’m currently listening to “22” by Taylor Swift. And while I’m not usually a Taylor Swift fan, this catchy song is resonating with my thoughts and emotions right now. Especially the line:

“We’re happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time. It’s miserable and magical.”

Seriously, though. Those words make no sense together. And neither does life for a twenty-something. So, why not have ALL THE FEELINGS! (Insert meme here). But again I say, seriously. And I thought those teenage years were rough ha.

I have my whole life to look forward to. But right now I want to change the world. And I want to figure out what life is all about. I want to know what is ahead. I want to go back and change some things. I want to understand why these terrible things are happening. I want to have more compassion. I want to be less emotional. I want to explode with the late night feeling that I am on top of the world and can do anything. I want to stop crying for no reason. I want to love deeply. I want to live life loud. I want to dream big.

I can’t stop feeling. I have butterflies in my stomach and tears in my eyes. I have to know why. I have to know how this year’s past events could possibly contribute to anything good. I have faith that they will. But I also doubt in accordance with my current emotional state. What is this world and what is my place in it?

How can I get back to my roots without changing who I am now? I can’t go back to who I was – blissfully ignorant and judgmental. The definition of what makes me angry today. But I can’t completely be who I have been lately.

Gah. So many emotions. So many questions. This certainly is a long journey.

Logic

I’m going simply because I cannot stop. If I stop, the world will not stop with me. Therefore, I must keep going.

It’s like the mathematical logic we’re discussing in one of my classes.

If I try to stop, life will keep going.

Following the logical, “If P then Q” statement, we can infer that this next statement is logically equivalent.

If life does not keep going, then I will not try to stop.

And, similarly, If life keeps going, then I will try to stop.

As logically equivalent as these statements are in the realm of mathematics and logic, such reasoning does not seem to apply to the complexities of the soul.

For all elements x in the set of real life, such that x = setbacks and failures,                      F(x) < My Dream Life.

I digress. But if logic doesn’t even make sense, then what will?